fear

It was a beautiful morning ride and I was on a mission. My first triathlon (sprint distance) was only 4 short weeks away and I knew that I had a lot of work left to do to be ready-ish. My life is crazy busy and I, in no way, would say that I am in shape but it was once written about me that I am not easily deterred and that was truth.

I realized quickly that I was going to be riding into the wind once I turned around to head back, and we all know how that goes. (If you don’t know what I am talking about see previous post here) I wasn’t looking forward to it but I knew at least that I would be on my way back, not just starting out. A few short moments later something rather minor happened that made my mind go a little wonky. My heart fluttered, skipped a beat… whatever you want to call it. Now before we get all excited (and by excited I mean concerned) about this please trust that I am monitoring this carefully. However, for the first time ever I was terrified for some reason that I wasn’t going to make it back. I just wanted to quit.

What happened in my mind in that moment left me having no interest in completing this ride. I wanted out, I wanted off the bike and just wanted to crawl back into bed. However, I knew that wasn’t an option in this moment, so I had to keep going. Remembering that I was in the middle of this blogging series I figured I could use this experience to think about that rather than what just happened.

How often in our lives do we come across something, no matter how large or small and something clicks in our minds and we are just done. Timed out, ready to throw in the towel, quit.

Friends, when times get tough or if you are anything like me, I get stuck inside my own head so much that sometimes I can’t see reality… that it just might be easier to quit.

What would happen if we all just quit when things got tough, when our minds get the best of us or when the world tells us that we can’t do something?? Think back in your own life of the things that you almost gave up on, but didn’t. What were they?

For me, well the list is lengthy but I can start with being called to a church plant, becoming GM of a hotel at 24 and I can’t wait to add “completing a triathlon sprint” to that list.

The worst part about quitting is having to start over. There is a reason that we take on the things that we do in life. Sometimes we may never be meant to complete it but I like to try and leave those decisions up to God. He knows. He already has the plans in place, it’s just our responsibility to not be easily deterred and keep going.

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10

In my life, up to this point, I have not had to say goodbye an excessive amount. Sure, I have had to say goodbye to family, dear, sweet, loved family, and as a child we moved across the state but otherwise I have been pretty fortunate. However, lately, my heart has been broken and then repaired, cracked and glued together and seemingly smashed into a million pieces only to be picked up one by one and handed back to me. By the end of the month I will have shed tears, handed out hugs, prayed over and watched 9 people move onto new chapters in their lives. I feel like I have said goodbye more in the last 6 months than ever before in my life and not one single time is it any easier than before. In fact, if I may be honest, it only gets more difficult. I realize that God puts people in our lives for a purpose, for a time and for a season but sometimes I just would love to know the reasons why this happens, I feel like it would make my heart not break so deeply…. or maybe it would.

Last night, as I was praying with a dear friend and sister I struggled to find the words that my heart so deeply wanted to say. I recall, during this prayer, my soul crying out to God to help me find the words, to help me say the perfect thing, pray the perfect prayer that would dry the tears freely falling from both of our eyes and place permanent smiles so that there would be no more heart ache. I couldn’t. So I just prayed what I could.

I ache over the thought of having to say goodbye again. The raw honest truth is that I totally get this whole “for a season” thing but can I just say this, sometimes I just don’t like it. I want this season to be my whole life! But something stirred inside me this morning and I was left hearing this “Just because they are not physically here, doesn’t mean they aren’t there, in your heart.” Now, I understand that it’s not the same thing but at some point I have to begin to choose the joy in knowing that they will forever have perfect little cubbies in my heart designed just for them rather than sitting in the pain and frustration in saying goodbye.

As each of the disciples left for their journeys I can’t imagine that it was easy to say goodbye to them but it was what God had called them to! Some were sent because if they stayed they would be persecuted so God sent them to spare their lives. Others were sent by God because that’s where He wanted the gospel to be shared. Regardless, they were sent by God because He has a plan a million times greater and well thought out than ours. They trusted and so shall I.

It doesn’t’ remove the pain, in fact it doesn’t even mask it but what it does is help me deal with it. It reminds me that being sent, being called somewhere else, fulfilling God’s plan doesn’t mean that they are gone, it just means that memories and the love that I have for each of these precious humans is tucked away in the cubbies of my heart, forever inscribed with their names and the weight of the blessing that they have had on my life. And for that reason I can proudly say that the weight of saying goodbye is welcomed, for great weight is the product of great love.

Abiding Trust

When I just wanted to quit

Saying goodbye