Finding Strength in Waiting

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I started doing Crossfit several months ago and there are many things that I love about it however, there are a few exercises that I just can’t wrap my mind around. One of them is a rope climb. There is a very specific way that this is accomplished (and I do realize that I am going get something wrong here, I am sure, pease don’t come for me. HA!!!)

Before jumping onto the rope I was trying to remind myself of what goes where.
First – Jump high enough that I am off the ground, making sure I have a firm grip on both sides of the rope
Second – Within seconds of the jump and grab I need to make sure the rope goes on the outside and underneath my right foot
Third- Use my left foot to finish the “J” so I have a footing to “stand on”

All this has to be done within about 1 second of each other but I have tried this enough times I know that I can accomplish it. The problem was, the goal today was see how long I could hold on for. It wasn’t until I was about 10 seconds in that I realized I have been here before. The waiting, the waiting until the timer goes off and I can let go. The issue was, either it never went off or I didn’t hear it.

Sometimes when we are in a season of waiting the wave of emotions come so fast and furious that we couldn’t take inventory if we tried. Sometimes we are left with one singular emotion for so long that we have started to carry it around like a child, but also afraid to let it mature and leave the proverbial nest. In this case, it’s a matter of holding onto something to tightly that the pain is outweighing the benefit of the exercise to begin with. That’s when something dawned on me. There are times as believers we wrap our minds up so tightly around a situation or season of life that we don’t see what God is doing. I imagine it goes something like this:

“Lord, my arms are starting to tire.” I say, at a whisper
“ok, better situate your feet so there’s not so much pressure on your arms.” God says back to me.
More time went by and my next plea came from my lips “Lord, I am starting to slip, I have tried to place my feet more firmly but I am slipping”
“Hold on a little tighter” He said.
“Lord, I am holding on tighter now but my hands hurt”
“I have given you strong legs to hold yourself up, remember to use those too.”
After readjusting a little I found I could put a little more pressure on my legs but they started to shake
“Lord, my legs are shaking, my arms are tired, my hands are burning, Im starting to slip.”
“I’ve got you, hold on tighter.”
“Lord, my hands are starting to bleed, I don’t think I can hold on tighter.”
“I will be the salve for your hands, keep holding on”
“Lord, my hands are bleeding, my arms are weary, my legs are tired, the rope is slipping.”
“Hold on, hold on a little longer, I see your tears, I feel your pain, I hear your cries for help, keep holding.“
“LORD!” I yell, “the rope is fraying and digging into my bloodied hands!”
“Lord, my legs are burning from the rope being wrapped around them!
“Lord, I feel like you aren’t hearing me!”
“God, I am doing everything that you have told me and it still hurts”
“Lord, why can’t I hear you any more.”
“Lord, I can’t hold on, it hurts so much”
“Lord, I have to let go, the pain is unbearable.”
and just then, I hear a whisper “My child, let your left leg down just an inch”
And just then I realize that there is a step for me to stand on.
“Lord, how long as this bench been here?”
“I just placed it there but it took a while for me to cut down the tree, put it together and place it in just the right spot that you wouldn’t have to endure any more pain to reach it.”

*Sigh*

Have you ever felt like you were in a season like that? It reminds me of Paul in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”

Paul doesn’t mess around! He never says that we will be free from pain, discouragement, troubles and the like but rather he says that in the midst of these things we will not be abandoned nor destroyed. It’s so hard in the moment to see the things that God is doing. In the season of waiting we are so often over consumed with the what if, the “but when” and so on but our job as believers is to remember that there is someone out there fighting FOR us.

It’s also possible that the season of waiting is about refinement. Ugh, I almost think that’s worse. It’s the allowing of God to apply heat over and over again, to bring the impurities to the top so He can remove them. But what if instead of seeing all the pain and heartache, we were able to look past those things to what He has planned for us. What if all the things that He is doing in and through us, all the refinement that is happening is all to prepare us for Heaven. What if the troubles of the right now are ways that He is working through all the muck and mire so that we can be better prepared to show someone else the path to a better life? What if the refinement, even seven times over, is done so that we are the best version of ourselves that He needs us to be for someone else. Isn’t it all worth it then? Isn’t it much more fulfilling to endure the pressure, the pain, discouragement and so on if that means that someone else will see the love of Christ in and through us? Isn’t that what He did for us?

So Lord, let it be. Let my trials, fear, pain, and the waiting season be for Your good, for Your glory and to bring others to know You. Instead of feeling beaten down by trails help me to remember that my faith is being refined.

And I don’t know where you are right now, and in no way am I meaning to make light of such things but what I do know is that He is always there. He is hears our cries and our silent tears. He knows the desires of our heart and even though we don’t always see it this way, He wants what is best for us. It is simply our job to hear Him when He says “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10a

Embracing the Waiting: Lessons from Mary’s Journey

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Waiting during the Christmas season is perhaps most arduous as a child. I remember when I was 8 years old and we were visiting my grandparents in Spokane for the holiday. I loved visiting my grandparents house. The upstairs was for hosting and their front room was picturesque, like the carpet had precise vacuum lines and you basically didn’t go in there. They had the most beautiful bay window, that looking back I have no idea why the Christmas tree wasn’t in there but I digress. The basement however, that’s where the fun was at. There was a piano at the bottom of the stairs, that was my personal favorite, then a large family room with he only TV in the house, a sitting area, game room and it was the home of the Christmas Tree and where the opening of gifts would occur. The night before Christmas, I was sleeping in my mom’s old room, my brother was sleeping in my aunts old room next door to me and for the first time in our lives we could hear a train nearby as we were trying to sleep. It was the strangest sound to me but it was also helpful because I was learning it would come by every 2 hours and since it was Christmas Eve and I wanted nothing more than to wake up as early as possible, every time the train woke me up I knew it was 2 hours closer to the epic Christmas morning. Well, that worked until midnight when the train stopped running so, instead of tracking time based on the blaring train horns, I decided it was necessary to wake up my mom every time I thought it was late enough. Finally after the 3rd time, my mom said to me “Amanda, if you want to get up that’s up to you but you will have to wait until the rest of us are awake to go downstairs.”

I had to wait…. My brother woke right around the same time as me (let’s face it I probably went and woke him up). My mom shortly after that, then my Grandma my Grandpa and then finally my Aunt but the time that passed was easily 3 hours from the time I was told to wait until they were all ready to go. You can go ahead and laugh because it was only 8am when we all were awake, I have been an early riser my whole life.

As I think about the waiting that occurs at Christmas, all over the world as children wait for Santa to come or parents to wake or family to come visit I can’t help but think about Mary and the waiting that she had to endure as she carried the Savior of all humanity.

During Elizabeth’s sixth month of pregnancy, God sent angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin. She was engaged to marry a man names Joseph from the family of David. Her name was Mary. The angel came to her and said, “Greetings! The Lord has blessed you and is with you.” but Mary was very startled by what the angel said and wondered what this greeting might mean. The angel said to her, “don’t be afraid, Mary; God has shown you his grace. Listen! You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and you will name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of King David, his ancestor. He will rule over the people of Jacob forever, and his kingdom will never end.” Mary said to the angel, “How will this happen, since I am a virgin?” The angel said to Mary, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will cover you. For this reason the baby will be holy and will be called the Son of God. Now Elizabeth, your relative, is also pregnant with a son though she is very old. Everyone thought she could not have a baby, but she has been pregnant for six months. God can do anything!” Mary said, “I am the servant of the Lord. Let this happen to me as you say!” Then the angel went away.
Luke 1:26-38

Can you imagine knowing this information, trusting God that He would take care of all the details and then having to WAIT for 9 months to see what would happen? Mary endured many challenges during this time. As she found out about this news she was facing the judgment that came from people around her since she was unwed, the fear that Joseph would leave her, the long journey to Bethlehem on a donkey while heavily pregnant and then gave birth in a stable. And with each challenge that she faced, she put her trust and faith in God to fulfill what He said He would do.

Waiting is something beyond comprehension to me. It seems like time passes so slowly when I am waiting on something. It’s like that phrase, “a watched pot never boils” but yet we hold onto the things that we have been promised by the Lord or things that we are wanting so deeply, with such anticipation. The most fascinating thing to me is how God seems to call the most unlikely to accomplish things that would be impossible without Him. Mary couldn’t possibly become pregnant as a virgin, without God. Elizabeth had been trying for years, and was quite old, yet God did the impossible as she also conceived a child.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it, the waiting that we endure when it comes to something God has planned for us, also produces such incredible character. What if Mary would have tried to plan her way out of God’s plan? What if Mary (and/or Joseph) said No! What if Mary changed her mind part of the way through because she couldn’t see the outcome or couldn’t control the twists and turns? Often times when we are waiting on what God has for us, we see it as a burden but I am thankful Mary saw it as an opportunity, a blessing. So shouldn’t we, when tasked with times of waiting on what God has placed in our lives.

In 1 Peter chapter 1 we are reminded that the genuineness of our faith is revealed through the trials that we face and we are frequently asked to trust God in the waiting. However, it can become so easy to let our questioning of what is taking so long get in the way of what He is doing in and through us

As I was reading a devotional with my sweet boyfriend this advent season, I have had this conviction on my heart, I want a faith like Mary had.

When God leads, I want to follow
When God initiates, I want to respond

The reality is, in a world filled with so much “I can do this myself” we are riddled with the desire to manage our anxiety quotient. This rises and falls with our ability to control a situation and eliminate uncertainty. I can tell you at least a dozen times in recent memory where my anxiety quotient was raised and I would have preferred to control what I can control but I had to lean into the faith like Mary and remember who is actually in control.

Trust is not passive, Mary stepped forward in faith which what she had and trusted God, I want to have faith in the waiting like that.

Lord, I know I fear what I don’t know, I fear what I can’t see and I fear what I can’t control but your plans were never meant for me to execute on my own. Help me to believe, in my questions, in my disappoinemtents,and in the waiting. Grow my desire desire to have faith like Mary, to go where you lead, and follow Your way. As it is said in Jeremiah 29:11, your plans are for me to prosper, please help me to remember and lean into that, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Finding Strength in Chaos: Embracing Patience

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One summer, when I was 9 years old, my mom tasked me with painting the intricate parts of a metal table. So intricate that it wasn’t done with a normal size paintbrush or even a 1/2 size one. The painting was done with a tiny paintbrush about the size of the ones that come in the Crayola watercolor sets. Other kids at 9 years old would have viewed this as a punishment but I didn’t have to think twice. I was thrilled!!! About half way through the project my mother came out to the garage where I was working, smiled and just said “you are the perfect person for this, you have the patience of Job.” Of who? I thought to myself. We grew up going to church and I guess I loosely understood the story of Job but the phrase was far more popular in my mind than the Bible story. I kinda chuckled and kept on my merry painting way.

James mentions Job’s patience in verse 11

“We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and marcy.” James 5:11

Patience is one of those things that I never asked for, I didn’t think that I needed more than I had and I did learn early on in my walk with the Lord to not ask for it. Granted, that might just be a funny joke in the Christian world but typically when we, as believers, ask God for patience it sure seems like he provides an abundance of opportunity to test out this new found blessing.

So why do we find ourselves in these moments of wanting and waiting? Well, that seems to be answered by many things but mainly this season of waiting can be described as being in the middle of here and wanting to get there. It’s like, I know God has impressed things on my my heart that I truly believe are from Him and His plans but then we sit here wondering what is taking so long. The truth is, God is far more interested in who you are becoming than what you are doing. 

“Wait patiently for the Lord, Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalms 27:14

I don’t know about you but some chaotic seasons of waiting seem to drag on forever. Some of those times are when I swear that there was light at the end of the tunnel just for that tunnel to collapse and I found my self digging out again. With each collapse, there, in turn, became a little more chaos in my mind than the time before. One would think that having to do the same clean up over and over would make my mind a little clearer but the issue wasn’t the clean up, it was me trying to take a little more control every time because I was getting antsy. I was growing weary in the waiting, I was wanting God to move a little faster for fear that the opportunity was going to pass me by. Well, here’s some facts that came out of this fight with the Lord:

The tighter I hold onto what I want the less space there is for God to move
The more I try to self-manifest the more I am going to get it wrong
The more I self-project, the less accurate reality really is
The more I stress over things the smaller my faith becomes
The more fear I give in to the more cloudy my thoughts are
The cloudier my minds gets the less I can hear God
The less I hear God, the more I hear the enemy
And we all know where this is headed now.

There IS good that comes from times like these. For example, have you ever thought about how aware you are of God and how much you go to Him when in times of chaotic waiting? I know for me, I find my self in almost constant conversation with Him, mostly begging Him to show me what He is doing. And how amazing it is that the God of the universe loves us so much that in the midst of the chaotic waiting He wants us to communicate with him. Tim Keller said it this way “God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows.”

We want, so desperately to control the narrative in these times of waiting. But here is where the endurance kicks in. I once considered myself a runner and I can recall so many races where I was totally wiped out with several miles left in the race and the only way to finish is to dig deep down and find the energy and endurance that I have left to cross that finish line. It’s no different here except that God is the one in control. We can attempt to meander through the chaotic waiting with our self-projecting, self-manifesting ways but we will be reminded that He is more trustworthy and has our best interest in mind. Here’s the thing, our trust problem is a belief problem. We can either trust fully in ourselves or trust wholly in the power of God.

I already know what you are thinking. “I have trusted him before and look where it go me.” or “I want to trust Him but it just seems so far away” or “I know what He has told me but it just seems impossible” and while I haven’t felt all those things I can empathize with where you are at. Here’s what I do know. God has already fulfilled so many things that He promised He would do, so it should give us confidence to trust in the God of our not yet.

So let’s take a journey and visit some of the people in the Bible that have had to endure times of waiting, how they persevered and what God did in and through them in their time of waiting.

And while we are taking this journey, let us not lose sight of our own chaotic waiting. You might be tempted to run from the process. Don’t. The enemy doesn’t play fair and he wants nothing more than for you to give up. You will have to fight to guard your words, thoughts and heart as this process will lead to your breakthrough. Oftentimes, hardship and difficulty do not mean you are off course. It just means God is preparing you for greatness.

Walking Through the Valley: Trusting God’s Plan

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In a sermon I heard the other day from Robert Mandu “You can’t rush through the valley, you must walk.” The way that he explained it is; as in Psalm 23 “though I walk through the Valley of Darkness (other versions say the darkest valley), I will fear no evil.” And what David is talking about when he wrote this Psalm is not the “City Dark”. Not, when you walk out the front door of a restaurant in the middle of of the city, this is the darkness that you see in the middle of the night when you are camping and the moon is only a sliver. The kind of darkness where even though you think your eyes are open it’s so dark that you swear you are walking in your sleep. You can’t see the steps in front of you. Even if there was a bear chasing you, there’s no way to run, you can’t see anything in front of you. THAT kind of dark. So, keeping that in mind, we have times in our lives that we are in that kind of Valley. When that happens, we aren’t in a place where we can run, it’s about walking. It’s about feeling your way through the darkness trusting that God is going to provide the light that you need on your path. And yes, there are times that the light He is giving is not something that we want to see. I get it! There have been times in the valley that I want to scream and beg God to stop. I have tried yelling, screaming, begging, crying, and while it made me feel better, it didn’t change the path, through the valley of darkness that I was on. There are times that I have tried to run through the valley under my own accord and you know what happens, I trip on a root and fall down. And when I fall, I am left laying there in the mud in the cold damp air wishing that I would have just let God do what He was trying to do instead of taking control of the thing that I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t and frankly, had no right to control in the first place.

Then there’s the getting up out of the mud where you are embarrassed, you hope no one else saw what happened and you just want to pretend that it didn’t happen but God allows the mud to stain your clothes, leaves to be stuck in your hair and maybe even a scrape here and there because it’s a way that your story can be used in the future to show His glory and how He got you out of it.

Here’s the thing that I have realized, God knows what we need more than we do. Frankly I don’t know why I keep trying to argue this point with Him but something that He has been teaching me is that He knows what is best. God knows what you need when you need it and often times He knows what the ultimate mountaintop is that He has planned for you so maybe, God is seeing if you can handle the little things, the stuff in the valley before you are able to be trusted with the mountaintop.

I recall one time where I was sure that the Valley of Darkness was all consuming, I couldn’t see myself out of a paper bag let alone be able to take 2 steps forward. I was wrestling with facing the “pruning of the vines” in my life and both having clear direction and not being able to do anything about it, all at the same time. As the days and prayers went by I thought I was doing what God wanted me to do. It felt like it and I felt as though I was walking through doors as they came open but there was this deep, and I mean deep seated fear and insecurity that was driving my every thought. Each word that came from my mouth was digging a deeper hole. I wasn’t sleeping, eating right, working out, being relationally mature and I certainly wasn’t treating myself very well with the words that I was saying to myself, the lies that I was allowing to work their way into my heart and mind. As soon as there was something positive that I knew was from the Lord, the enemy jumped into my thoughts and I found myself in a spiral that I couldn’t get out of. I was reaching for all the tools in my tool box when I was reminded of how much I loved worship music. So, one morning, as I was singing through my worship playlist it dawned on me that the valley of darkness that I was walking through was turning into an opportunity for me to show God that I did truly trust Him with not just my future but with that very moment.

The valley can sometimes seem like it goes on forever and when we are walking through it in the darkness it’s easy to not realize that you are slowly coming out of the valley and making your way to the top of the mountain. Before you know it, the sun is starting a rise a little, and as you turn your gaze upwards instead of being so concerned with where your feet are walking you realize that you have been climbing the mountain for some time now. The fog has lifted, the sun is warming your back, your breath starts to slow, the air seems lighter and you realize that there is in fact victory coming.

And when we reach a mountaintop, because we will, it can be just as easy to tell our mind not to remember where we were just at. However, if we don’t allow ourselves to turn around, even for just one moment, we rob ourselves the opportunity to enjoy the view of where we just were. There is such powerful freedom in overcoming the valley times. I have had more valley moments in my life than I care to remember but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that God has and will continue to use those times. Plus, whether or not we want to admit it, the times in the valley are a great opportunity for endurance and as said:

“Dear brothers and sisters , when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested , your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4

Valley times have been and will continue to be the hardest of times. But don’t give up. One thing that I can say with all honesty, God has lead me out of every valley that I have ever been in. While I would like to live in the fantasy world of thinking I will never be there again, I know that’s not the case. And, I know that when I am there again I will likely have to pull out the tools that remind me that it’s not a forever darkness but what I also know is the more I keep my gaze upon Him and the more that I trust His plan for my life the easier it may be to squint my eyes a little in those dark times and be able to see His light a little sooner than times before.

The Anatomy of Hope

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Not long ago I found myself standing on the Coast of the Pacific Ocean and straight ahead of me was a ship, I remember thinking to myself that it must not be that far away if I can see it. Right? Wrong. That sucker was hundreds of miles away but in my mind, if I could see it… then it was close.

That’s what hope feels like sometimes. That thing that you have been hoping for, praying for, seeking after, waiting for, working towards etc… after a point in time during our journey there are glimpses of the proverbial ship in the distance and since we can see it, it must be getting closer but sometimes, it’s not.

So why do we hope? What’s the purpose? If it’s hurts, why do we continue to press towards it?

A simple google search returns the definition of Hope as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” and as I type this out while the word itself is listed as a noun, I would venture to say that it is more of a verb. It requires something of us in order for it to take place. So, naturally I see now why there can be pain, frustration, fear, uncertainty and the list goes on… But, there is an anatomy to hope so let’s take a look at that and see why it continues to take action on our part.

Not long after writing my previous post about shame there was a new parting of the clouds that happened but in those moments it wasn’t a clear “ahhh” moment like is written in movies or described in books. It was more of the first spring morning when your eyes start to open and the brisk air that has been blowing in your window for the past 3 months is replaced with a new warmth. A ray of sunshine curves through the curtains and the birds are singing their spring song for the first time. It is the joy that comes with the first sign of tulips waking from their slumber or the first whir of a lawn mower from down the street. It’s hope that starts to make it’s way to the surface, a sign that winter has waned and spring is here. While the moment is beautiful, we are reminded within days that winter has one more round left in it. Those kind of clouds, the ones that make you go “ugh, not again.” but this time there was a new clarity. I had spend the previous months digging myself out of the shame pit and I surely wasn’t going to allow myself to go there again however, what might have been even more challenging was determining this hope that I was searching for and what exactly that would look like.

First – We must allow a time of mourning. This is a cleansing of our old ways and our old thought patters to make way, to prepare for a new way of life.

I remember when I started on my weight-loss journey years ago and having to really mourn who I was leaving behind. I was excited, don’t get me wrong, but I knew eating whatever, whenever I wanted to was no longer a part of my life. I had to mourn that I had allowed myself to get to that point and I had to mourn that there may not be people who are willing to go along in this journey. Fast forward several years and facing a new journey of hope, the feelings that I experienced then were starting to come back again. I knew that the life that I sought after wasn’t the one that I was currently allowing my mind to accept so I had to mourn who I was leaving behind in order to fully understand the person that I was wanting to become. The person that I was going to allow God to create in me. The new pathway that my mind was going to follow, instead of the ways that I had been following in the past.

I was realizing in order for God to meet me where I was I had to acknowledge that place to begin with. Then it was about allowing the transformation to the new life that He had for me.

Second – Rebirth


“My mind came alive today
To the invisible geography
That invites me to new frontiers
To break the dead shell of yesterdays
To risk being disturbed and changed”1

Let’s be honest, who wants to look at the dark parts of ourselves and say “ok, let’s dive in and change” but the reality is, we have to break away from the parts of us that held onto yesterday’s emotions. If we don’t allow ourselves to call it what it is and then be willing to break away from that we are doing nothing but dragging along the anchor that was weighing us down to begin with. If we are spending time dragging the anchor around we don’t have the energy or desire to put the hope within us into action and take the steps needed to find and thrive in the rebirth.

We want to be whole without work, but even Jesus had to grow in wisdom in invisible, repetitious, mundane ways to curve human nature back to God’s will2

So a challenge, because we have already acknowledged that this isn’t going to be easy, or fun….what are some things that are weighing you down? What are the barriers to the hope that is burning inside of you that keep you from taking action, from allowing the rebirth. For me, it’s two sided. I have a deep burning desire to live out the things that God has placed firmly in my heart and I have a very deep fear of being abandoned.

Now, what have those thoughts and fears done to you? For me, on one hand, I feel like the thing that God has placed on my heart to fulfill is that ship out at sea but it’s so cloudy, I know it’s there but I couldn’t tell you how close or far away it is. And on the other hand, my fear of being abandoned? It caused me to do everything for everyone in hopes that they wouldn’t forget me.

It’s scary, I get it! Because sometimes it’s extremely dark when you are standing on the proverbial shoreline and now all you can see are the flashing lights from that ship, it seems further than before, especially when the work is hard however, the risk is well worth the reward. When we truly allow ourselves to be vulnerable to God (PS He already knows your heart, He’s just waiting for us to come to Him) then it allows Him to fill the space that is empty, for Him to take root. Then, when we feel like the ship is within reach but we can’t quite reach it or the clouds come and go, He is the one who guides the tides to bring that hope a little closer to us.

Third-Excitement

I can recall, many times, the excitement that filled my mind as the hope of a new tomorrow seemed to be coming true. Like a child on Christmas morning or the day of a big race I had been training for, the adrenaline that rushed through me seemed to overtake the ability for me to see straight. It was all sunshine and rainbows and I wasn’t going to let reality strike me. The fact is, almost nothing in life is sunshine and rainbows and that’s why Hope is important. That’s why we take thoughts captive and hold them up to scripture, what we know, what God has spoken to us and what we hold onto as truth. My encouragement for you is to hold onto the excitement, press into it. Remember it on the days where that ship seems to be drifting a little further out to sea. Remember when that ship was so far away it was just a shadow on the water? Hold onto the excitement because now you can see the bow of the boat is facing north, the starboard has numbers & letters on it and the details of the wheelhouse are coming into focus. You’re almost there, don’t give up hope.

It is a journey, a long, sometimes arduous path of ups and downs, curves when you didn’t see them coming and many boulders that pop up along the way but there is an anatomy to this hope, and when we allow the opportunity to mourn who we were (or the thoughts that we had), allow a rebirth and then fill our hearts with excitement for what is happening. It becomes many parts, working together to create a remarkable story.

  1. To Bless this Space Between Us, John O’Donahue ↩︎
  2. A Theology of the ordinay, Julie Canlis ↩︎

Shame on me

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Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. 1

I had been tossing around this word in my mind for months when I came across a book that painted the picture in a way that my soul had been longing to see it. This too shall Last, Finding Grace when suffering lingers – K.J. Ramsey The fact is, this book had been sitting on my shelf for the past 16 months and yes, I went to my “past orders” tab to search when I purchased this book and I was shocked to see it was that long ago. In fact I was so taken aback I blinked a moment and checked again. 16 months, 16 months of life had passed between when I ordered this book and when I read it. This then made me think back to what was happening in my life 16 months ago to make me order it. Was it something someone recommended to me? Did I see it on social media? I don’t know but what I do know is that God’s timing is always perfect.

For the past couple years when surrounded by certain people, acquaintances, or even strangers there were tinges of fear and shame that overwhelmed me that when certain subjects came up I wanted to slink into the background and literally hope that everyone in the room forgot that I existed. I became the master of changing subjects, well timed phone calls or even flat out excusing myself from conversations purely for self preservation. I went from the person who would always message back or call back as soon as possible to avoiding the fated “ding” or ringtone because I couldn’t stand the idea of tiptoeing into the realm of explaining my life again. I stepped out of life group, away from serving and hid in the shadows never knowing exactly why, until it was summed up in this:

Shame, is the primary tool evil uses to disrupt and disconnect our relationships, our stories, our communities, and our world2 It is the felt sense that I am bad, there really is something wrong with me, and I don’t matter to anyone else3 Shame is the stealthy, compelling energy evil is constantly using to distract us from living in the story where grace is here.4

I was allowing the shame in my life to drive a wedge between everything that I had known. The relationships that I had built, the people God had put in my life and it was even starting to drive a wedge between me and God himself. I was sure that I would end up alone, sitting in my pit of shame because no one understood, no one was going to listen and most importantly no one cared.

That’s the thing about this stupid 5 letter word, it hijacks us, it feeds endless lies into our hears and minds to paint the picture that went something like this in my mind:

I stood in a storefront, like they used to have in the 80’s, all decorated, when I was younger it was Fredrick & Nelson but that detail doesn’t matter. What mattered was that I had a whole life in there, everything was laid out. Timelines, facts, events, the truth but no matter who walked by, no one could see me. It was infuriating because as people I knew walked by the storefront of my life, I could see them looking in, even almost making eye contact with me but instead they looked past my face, as though I didn’t exist and the facts, the story lines and the truth, laid out before them didn’t make sense because they couldn’t hear the words that came from my mouth, they couldn’t see or hear me. I would try and scream in hopes that the panes of the glass were just too thick but still, nothing. I was abandoned, I was unlovable I was alone and headed to a destitute place of screaming silence into the wind in hopes that eventually a whisper would land on someones ear. Shame had boxed me into a place where I was disconnected, self protecting and completely detached.

I thought I had surrounded myself with a community of people where shame could not live but what I was starting to realize was the enemy took all the positive thoughts and conversations that I had up and to that point and it’s like he had wiped them from my memory bank, all in the name of shame. He was taking all the fears of my adult life and ripping open old wounds to expose them to new dirt, purely for the purpose of bringing me into deeper moments of solitude.

The truth is, however, we were never made to be that way. We were never created to sit in a place of screaming through a display window hoping for someone to hear us. There is a Creator who hears everything. He sees everything. He saw it as it transpired and placed people in our paths who are willing and ready to hear the cries of our heart but shame keeps us behind the curtain in hopes that we will forget about the truth. Shame convinces us that there is no one, ever who will be willing to love, understand, sit in the pit and hear our cries. We are left feeling as though we are the worst human being on the planet. How could I get myself here, again? How could I let this happen? How did this happen? How will anyone ever see me as anyone other than __________ (enter whatever negative name you have for yourself here).

The further deepening of the wound is that even when we are ready to pull back the curtain of shame or the window pane of silence, we tiptoe into the realm of the unknown where every answer, even if correct, we question, fear, write off, don’t believe, hide behind or run away from any perceived level of grace and love that we may feel from another human being. We have lived inside the sanctuary of shame for so long that anything other than that leaves us feeling naked, ashamed, vulnerable and fearful.

So I sit here today to say, shame on me (if you know what I mean) for not bringing the truth to light and instead hiding behind it for so long. The beauty is, however, that there IS good in this world. There IS a God who loves and cares so much more than I could ever imagine that in the midst of my shame and deep fear, He was knitting together a community of people who either had been through the same thing or they had simply been gifted with the ability to sit in the pit, to share love wrapped in empathy and to show that grace and truth still had a place in my life. Most importantly there began a moment where I realized that bringing the truth to light, even though it was terrifying, it no longer allowed a place for shame to take over my mind. Instead in honesty and exposure, in being seen in our sadness and despair, that we’ll most clearly see the truth that we’re still living in a story of love.5 That story, my friends, is written by the most complete and loving author there is, who sees all, knows all and has already written the next chapter. It’s time to step out from behind the veil of shame and into the sunlight of truth and love.


  1. Oxford Languages ↩︎
  2. The Soul of Shame (24)- Curt Thompson ↩︎
  3. I thought it was just me (But it isn’t) (13)- Brene Brown ↩︎
  4. This too shall last (49)- K.J. Ramsey ↩︎
  5. This too shall last (55) – K.J. Ramsey ↩︎

For my Mom.

~ abidingtrust ~ Leave a comment

“Why didn’t anyone tell me that?” is a question that’s been running through my mind like a rising river on a spring day, fast and without much notice.

The past 7 years have seemed like it could be both a Hallmark movie and a suspense novel wrapped in one, each emotion felt to the extreme. I have been lost, found, walked to and away from. I have cried, gleefully laughed, screamed and sobbed, sometimes on the same night. I have been silenced when I wanted nothing more than to scream from a mountaintop and I have felt so low that I didn’t know how to crawl from the depths of where I was.

Even in this moment, my words can feel jumbled and vulnerable but I have learned, by the end, it all makes sense….to someone. Mostly though, I have been left with, “why didn’t anyone tell me that?”

Why didn’t anyone tell me that making lemonade from life’s lemons wouldn’t always taste like the sugary kind from the store. Sometimes when you make that lemonade it’s extremely tart and you have no choice but to spit it out.

Why didn’t anyone tell me that the silent moments alone are the most freeing and yet scariest of times. I can hear myself breathe, feel all the feelings and some things that I hadn’t allowed to sink in, finally had time to digest in my mind.

Why didn’t anyone tell me it’s far harder to mourn when you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye? I never imagined the crushing pit of emptiness that happens when you are left with years of words and time you thought you had, only for it to be gone in an instant.

So, nearly 6 years from the loss of my sassy, larger than life, loving more than she had in her, mother I ponder the things that she did tell me. The things that, when the words came from her mouth, full of love, hope and wishing only the best for me, I cast aside.

I never did it out of disrespect but rather, she was telling me something that I chose to file away as “mom thing.” I think about what she would say to me now, the things she would absolutely be laughing hysterically about, and supporting me anyway. The ways, I would have looked at her, with tear filled eyes and ask “Why didn’t anyone tell me that” and she would look at me with love and say “my sweet daughter, I did.” And now that I am a mother, I look at my son and I know there will be times, in his future where I will have told him something, yet he will circle back and say “why didn’t anyone tell me that?” I will simply smile and say, “My sweet son, I did”

The thing is, we hear what we want to hear. When people do fill us in on the great mysteries of life or at a minimum pass on their knowledge, having experiences similar to ours, we don’t always have our ears open to hear or our hearts vulnerable enough to accept.

So this is part of my mourning, the ongoing process of grieving that will last longer than I ever thought, would. It’s to pass on this nugget of advise to you. When someone, especially your mother, tells you something, you may not do anything with it in the moment but you certainly can’t look back on it and say “Why didn’t anyone tell me that” because she did.

Also, never forget to take photos of moments that mean something to you. One of my favorites, from 2014, when I went to be with my mom after my Grandpa passed away. I didn’t take nearly enough photos.

Wonder in the Waiting

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The air is crisp as the sun begins to rise over the mountains to my left. Sitting on the balcony of this hotel room in 22 degrees feels incredibly warm because I have ample time to relax, recharge and write, this moment washed over me like a warm blanket. Moving inside, curled up in my chair, cozy sweater enveloping me and my writing playlist going in the background I pondered the words that would come out. Before I sat to write however, I was reminded of the delicious french press coffee in my room and suddenly that thought warmed me even more. I love French Press coffee, yes it takes way too long to make but the way the oils and grounds remain intact instead of being soaked up by a filter creates such a complete coffee taste, it’s worth it. So I wait.

The water begins to boil, the grounds are measured and ready, I pour the water over them slowly making sure each one is covered and wait some more. As I pace around the room it occurs to me that like waiting for this delicious cup of coffee, that’s where the beauty often comes, the waiting. Wait might as well be a 4-letter word in my vocabulary. I would label myself as a chronic multitasker and somehow have been gifted with the ability to do so at a high level. It could be thanks to automation of so many things in life or that I don’t sleep as much as most people, regardless I seem to get stuff done. While there can be good in that I tend to lose the wonder in the waiting. Take my coffee this morning as an example. If I would have used cold water instead of letting it boil or drink the coffee before the water was allowed to steep and release the aroma of the coffee grounds it would have been horrible. So I wait.

This week I found myself in the midst of a lot of waiting. Waiting on weather, waiting on emails, messages, coffee, news from a friend, stop lights, endless highways, unanswered calls and the list goes on. It’s frustrating to be in the waiting but why don’t we ever take a moment when on the other side of that to turn back, look at where we came from and then relish in what is now before us. If it wasn’t for writing this I would never take the time to process what steps french press coffee takes and then fully enjoy why it takes so long. Looking back at my week I chuckle with hints of joy at what I waited through and then got to see, feel, enjoy and experience. Time can seem to stand still in those waiting wanderings and not in the way that we want them to. We so often find ourselves asking the clock to stop ticking in times of joy, elation and fullfillment and to speed by when the waiting is uncomfortable yet the clock neither speeds nor slows, it is simply our mind that makes it so.

Why does our mind want to speed past the agony and growth that comes from waiting? I think it conjures up this flash forward scene of what it wants to see on the other side but forgets the process that it takes to get there. Perhaps our mind begs for time to speed in the waitng becuase we don’t have the emotional capacity to fully process and allow the waiting to grow us, to mold us to who we are meant to be. Maybe the waiting allows for our heart to catch up with our mind or visa versa. But, there is wonder in the waiting. Wonder like when a child watches a Christmas tree light up for the first time. They know it’s coming and they have an idea in their mind of what it will look like yet it’s always more amazing than their minds can predict. Wonder, like their anticipation of Santa’s arrival on Christmas Eve. If they knew when Santa arrived they would never sleep, they would never trust that he was coming, they would sit awake and listen for the sounds. Wonder, like falling in love, where every movement the other person makes creates a photo in your mind and you gaze upon them with elation.

Why don’t we have wonder in the waiting like that? Can we, in the midst of the waiting celebrate the pause that the decision, response or result creates? Can we, in the midst of waiting allow ourselves to look at it in wonder like the child does? Knowing that what comes in the preverbial morning will be good and everything that we didn’t know we needed. Can we fall in love with waiting where we notice everything that it does to change us, to mold us, to make us better. Can we gaze upon the waiting with elation and trust? Can we stop asking time to pass just so we get the result we want? If we can just allow the wonder in the waiting we may wonder why we never allowed such a beautiful part of life to change us like this before.

Surpassing

~ abidingtrust ~ 1 Comment

For most of my adult life I have experienced anxiety in some form or another. Mostly it was disguised as FOMO or explained away as emotional growing pains but in 2018 I realized it was much more serious. Our son was born with multiple mainline defects (their terminology not mine) and for the next 2 years he would be hospitalized several times for pneumonia only to have another major surgery in 2019. Looking back I am sure I experienced Post Pardum, epecially considering the journey it was to get him graduated from the NICU and then my mom unexpectedly passed away just 10 weeks after my son was born. All that to be said I really didn’t think it would be something I would continue dealing with for years to come.

Back to 2018…. I finally started seeing a therapist (of which I 100% recommend) and between her and my primary doctor it was absolutely determined that I had anxiety and high functioning PTSD. For the first time in my life I realized what was “wrong” with me and was on the path to fixing it. For 3 years I lived in a blissful place of virtually no anxiety but as 2022 came around the corner I stopped taking the anxiety medicine cold turkey (which I 100% do NOT recommend). To be honest there wasn’t a specific reason other than I was out of the medication and the refill was taking a while so by the time 3 or so weeks had passed I realized I had a decision to make. Keep going or stop, I chose to stop. It was a very tumultuous yet empowering season of life. Not to say there’s anything wrong with the medication at all I just wasn’t choosing that path for my life right now.

This season of life is fragile. It’s fragile because I find myself feeling all the feelings and immediately have to process how I want to respond rather than off the cuff like I have in the past. It’s fragile because I could forget what I have learned in 6 months and react in a manner that’s not healthy. It’s also beautiful (kalos) because I know God is with me. As I prayed about which defining word of Kalos I wanted to associate with this post, Surpassing seemed the most fitting. The way God has led and guided me through this is surpassing anything I could have imagined. I recall a specific time where I was pretty overwhelmed with the negative debilitating thoughts that come with anxiety. As my mind started to spiral rapidly I felt the Lord stirring in my soul and whispering to me “stop, I am here to guide you.” So I did. I stopped, sat in silence and allowed Him to help me process and dig myself out of the pit of self doubt. We walked through every step together, He helped me process what was truth and what was a lie.

So who is this God who cares for us and loves so deeply? I mean if you have read anything before this I have processed that on many levels but I want you to stop and experience a fraction of what I did last week. I was getting ready for work on a Thursday morning, listening to the worship set for services that night and processing through what it would look like from a video perspective (that night I was running switcher on the production team). One of the songs that week was “Same God” by Elevation Worship. I listened a couple times through and then on the 3rd time I actually heard the words of the song.
Im calling on the God of Jacob
whose love endures through generations
I know that You will keep Your covenant

I’m calling on the God of Moses
The one who opened up the ocean
I need You now to do the same thing for me

So by this time I am really focusing and something starts to stir…. keep listening with me

I’m calling on the God of Mary
Whose favor rests upon the lowly
I know with You all things are possible

I’m calling on the God of David
Who made a shepherd boy courageous
I may not face Goliath
But I have my own Giants

It was about this point of the song where I said out loud: “It is the SAME GOD” Now before you go thinking I am crazy, I’m not. It’s just, I have been a believer for many years and I have been through my share of fires but for some reason that day the pure and honest truth that He is the same God who did all those things and so much more, cares for me. He cares for you. He created the world, parted the ocean, walked through fire, sent Jesus down and then sacrificed Him so that we can have eternity in heaven with HIM! You guys!

Far too often we go through our days praying, praising and thanking God for all that he’s done but when is the last time you really let it resonate that this is the SAME GOD. He’s the same God who wants to help you work through every anxious thought, every depression filled day and every other struggle that you may face. He is also the same God who wants you to know how beautiful, empowered, supported, cared for and loved you are.

In previous posts I have shared by life verse (Isaiah 43:2) and it’s a great reminder here

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

It’s not a coincidence that the first word of each sentence of that verse is when. WHEN (not if) you go through things He is with you.

So yea, it wasn’t until about a week ago when the surpassing love of God really hit me. It was then where I could physically understand how God supports and guides us surpassing all expectations. It was that moment when my worries and fears were surpassed with confidence and joy.

Beautiful

~ abidingtrust ~ Leave a comment

As the thunder cracked all around me, the lighting lit up the sky and the rain started falling at a swift pace I contemplated, do I wait it out or do I head home? I imagined a longer debate in my mind but surprisingly I grabbed my belongings and headed for the door. Awkwardly I ran to my car feeling the rain falling so heavy it soaked through my clothes in the 30 seconds it took me to get to shelter. Part of the issue; I am no longer a runner, I once was, triathlons actually but that is clearly not my life any more. I digress.

Soaked through my clothes, sitting in he car, almost excited to drive home in this storm I found it a bit ironic that while some, even most people may see this type of storm as scary, destructive or even inconvenient I found it beautiful and not for the reasons you may think. Beautiful because the typical “do things without thinking” type mindset had to be disrupted. Beautiful because I had to pay closer attention while driving home instead of allowing my mind to wander. Beautiful because it reminded me that thunder is actually caused by lightning, the main lightning channel to be exact, as it reaches the ground. Beautiful becuase it reminded me of the storms that literally have disrupted my own life in the past, yet, here I stand.

As each lightning bolt caught my eye it reminded me that very complex things happen inside that cloud in order to make a lightning bolt. That God himself created every facet of this beautiful part of nature. The heat and the ice inside the cloud, the exact time for the negative charge in the cloud releases and how it then reaches down from the sky to meet a positive charge coming up from the ground to form a complete lightning bolt. Then it hit me. In life we are faced with man fire and ice moments inside our minds. Moments when we feel every negative charge is too much to handle and we can’t help but release the energy. The issue comes when we realase it in an unhealthy manner. So, what is your lighting and where are you striking.

My past consisted of releasing energy by means of shopping, binge eating, shutting down or lashing out and many others. Today however, I can honestly say there is beauty in understanding my own anxiety and where to focus that energy, it’s on Jesus. When I feel my shoulders start to tense or my mind start to wander down the dark and twisty road I can refocus my thoughts by just speaking the name of Jesus; I am reminded He is with me. He is with me to walk through the thoughts that start with “what if” and anyone who has faced anxiety knows where that goes. It’s always followed by “I’m not enough” “they don’t like me/what I did” or “I failed.” I have taught myself to remember …even IF those things are true, which they rarely are, the truth I can remember is to “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7

When life starts to overwhelm me or challenges keep coming, I speak the name of Jesus and I am comforted. I will not be the person who says storms will no longer come your way just by speaking the name of Jesus. In fact, it’s been said you may experience, or at least notice them more but the absooutely beautiful (Kalos) part is that we have someone to reach out to, to relase that lighting charge out to who will be on the other end who will guide and be with us in evey moment of the storm.