It’s not often my mind has time to drift into the “nothingness” space. I think we all have been in this season of life where turning off the alarm leads right into:
What should I wear today?
Did the laundry get changed over last night?
What should I make for dinner?
Let’s quickly review all my tasks at work for the day?
What are our plans this weekend?
Who’s birthday, anniversary, birth, wedding etc.. do we have coming up?
This occurs in a matter of 2.5 minutes while I convince myself “yes in fact I do have to get up” before our little guy does or I lose my window of peace and quiet in the shower.
That is until the other day when my mind went a little haywire. All of the above thoughts trailed in and out but were followed with, “how in the world did I get here?”
Over the past 5 years I had gone from walking tall in the awesomeness that God has called me to and the gifts that he had given of Blogger & Teaching Pastor to…………. Mom. I quickly want to say that there is nothing wrong with this, I love my son but it was …..
Mom life is no joke! The time when our son was still eating all hours of the night I found a bit of peace in the dark of silence. I learned that was my “me” time which quickly transformed into my getting up at 4am long after he started sleeping through the night. The peaceful darkness and a couple cups of coffee were important to start each day with. For nearly a year I was quite content with this time and I tried to convince myself I was no longer called to write and speak but rather mom-life was my “new” calling.
Have you ever had a feeling, a burning desire to do something so badly but the season of life you were in just seemed like the possibilities were a million miles away? That was me. I had spent morning after morning in my peaceful darkness essentially ignoring the things I once had no doubt were gifts from God.
Over the course of months my mind started to convince me the choices I had made, paths I had taken and life that I had chosen to live had therefore placed a huge NULL & VOID stamp on the gifts that I had been given. Every reminder had propelled my dark thoughts further to the forefront. The words which once so freely came to the tips of my fingers were fading away. What once was my “peaceful darkness” was turning into silence.
I was immobile, unchanging and full of doubt. I had let the worlds expectation of “mom” and “wife” silence me. Distant memories were floating further away when I was reminded of this truth:
Doubt was choking out the truth I knew to be true. Doubt had caused me to not only lose my identity (which I think is a bit of a mom thing) but also who I am in Jesus and the means of which I have been blessed with to share His good news.
My greatest fear were my sins and shortcomings and how they would diminish the gift that I had been given. Alas my friends, we are reminded that God is all knowing, all powerful and full of grace and mercy. The gift(s) you’ve been given have been done so with Him already knowing what the outcome would be!
You guys, this is HUGE! I no longer wanted to sit on the sideline watching the blessings go by without at least trying to fulfill what I have been given.
What if I said maybe we should stop concerning ourselves with the lie that someone else’s opinion of us somehow minimizes our gifts?
This darkness that we can be consumed with is a thief and a liar. In darkness doubt reaches in, takes a seat and doesn’t move until it’s ripped out by the roots.
We doubt in darkness what
We have heard in light
No one else does this for us
So what have you heard in light?
What do you feel like God has given you the gift of?
What are you afraid to speak out loud because doubt has taken hold?
One final thing that was shared in the message today at church:
Discouragement breads doubt
Encouragement breads assurance
God is the ultimate encourager……