Be You

September 9, 2015September 9, 2015 ~ abidingtrust ~ Leave a comment

I feel, and I feel deeply. I imagine that’s why I was so worried about going on this trip to begin with. You see, I am a shy, introverted person who not only feels deeply but hurts deeply too. I knew that my crazy busy life kept me from being involved in all things Facebook, GroupMe, Text, email and what have you, so the anxiety surrounding this weekend was already high enough. The number of times that I nearly cancelled the trip easily climbed into the double digits but yet I kept moving forward.

In March when I was selected (at random) to be a part of the launch team for a book that you all know I have talked about until I am blue in the face, I never imagined that it would turn into this. We were all invited to join other launch team members at the authors house! To make things even crazier I ended up getting invited to stay in the planning house (although I think I did more praying over things than planning) with 19 other women from all over the country. If you know me, you know that’s an almost paralyzing situation for me to be in.

Thursday morning came, 3am to be exact and I made the trek from Washington state to Austin, TX. Finally getting to the house and walking in the door quietly saying “hello?” were words and actions that took far more effort than I ever expected it to. 2 precious ladies were already there and so it was beginning. I tried to be far more involved than was comfortable and throw myself into as much as possible. You see, I am one who will want to be involved but it’s just not one of my strengths so when I am not, it results in continuing to hide deeper inside of myself.

Throughout the weekend conversations I found myself sitting along the sideline just listening and watching. I realize that I put myself there but the beautiful result was, I was just able to sit and watch The Lord move through the weekend. Tiny prayers that I whispered quietly to God like “please send someone to room with me” turned into being given the precious gifts of 2 amazing women. One evening as I was amongst over 200 women but found myself walking across the yard alone I spoke a prayer in my heart “God I really don’t want to eat alone” and within seconds a friend walks up and says “I was just praying that God would give me a dinner buddy” Answered prayer.

Over these 3 days I listened to stories, tears, prayers, hopes and dreams. I sat along the side of the room, watching & listening. At times I felt very alone but what happened at the end of the weekend made be finally comfortable being me.

With every story that was told, while I rarely said anything, every word that was spoken sank into my heart. I recall countless times thinking to myself “you’re not even making a contribution”. I had moment after moment where I thought “what am I doing here” but it was on my way to the airport on Sunday morning that it hit me.

It wasn’t about me being there so that I could be in the middle of the conversations, heck I missed SO many I don’t even know half the inside jokes and stories that were told but I was just me and perhaps that was totally why I was there. I may not have been in more than 5 or 6 photos from the entire weekend. Most people may never know I was there but I had a purpose. For the 1 hour drive to the airport that morning I prayed over every single woman in that house and recalled story after story that they shared about their lives. There was a peace that came over me.

We all have something to contribute. No matter how large or how small. We just need to be us. If I would have gone into that weekend trying to be someone that I wasn’t then maybe I wouldn’t have been in the situation to take all these precious prayers before the Lord. I think society tries to make us feel like we have to “fit in” or “be like everyone else.” As one of my dearest friends likes to remind me. STOP IT! So I say – Be you!

I don’t know what the future holds for me and each of those women but I know that they have all impacted me in a way that I never saw coming. I know that I can just be me. Quiet, sit in the corner, on the bottom step, chin on my knees me. I can carry the burdens of others deep in my soul and lift their wants and needs up to God in prayer and yet never speak a word. I love them dearly.

Please never stop being you. The moment that we stop being who we are created to be the world wins and we rob others and ourselves the joy that comes with being comfortable in our own skin. Be You.

It is well…

June 29, 2015June 29, 2015 ~ abidingtrust ~ Leave a comment

As mentioned in my previous blog post I have had to say goodbye to many people over the last few weeks. One of them is my friend Rachel. You can check out her blog at Notes from my corner of creation.

Her words have touched my heart over the years and she is one of the reasons that I re-started my own blog. I asked her to guest blog for me today as her family is about to move cross country where God has called them to a new adventure. I just want to say one thing. No matter how old or young you are never think you have no influence on others. You never know what life you might be able to change.

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It is Well… The Song “It is Well with My Soul” is one of my all time favorite songs. The words are so powerful and extremely catchy.

“When peace like a river attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say it is well with my soul.”

As obsessed as I am with this song, sometimes I hate the lyrics.

“Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say” what? It is well with my soul! Honestly, there are days when I don’t want to say it is well. There are days when singing praise is the very last thing I want to do. There are those days where I’m just like, it is not well.

The sea billows are so strong sometimes. They blow sand and other hard substances and that hurts!

But when peace like a river is attending my way, it’s much easier to sing praise. I don’t mind singing praise when it’s easy.

Singing praise in the hard times? I don’t really like to say “It is well.” I would rather say, “Pass the Nutella, don’t judge how loud my music is and leave me alone.”

It is well?

As we sang this in worship a couple weeks ago at church, I remember thinking in mortification the words I was singing and how well they lined up with my life.

I am the last person on the face of the earth who should be singing about how it’s well with my soul.

As I was pondering this and mouthing along with the words, I realised that there is a reason it can be well with our souls.

God’s going to be sovereign over all the storms.

Those days when you feel like you are being lead through the valley of the shadow of death, we can truly fear no evil, because our God is with us leading and guiding us.

We have to fix our eyes upon him and instead of being overwhelmed by the craziness of this world, become overwhelmed by the King of Glory. We have to be overwhelmed by God and all his goodness and learn to abide and trust that he is sovereign even in the wildest tempest.

He’s going before you clearing the way with his righteousness. He is moving in ways beyond what we can imagine. He is preparing hearts and minds– even in the storms of life.

That is why we can sing praise in the hard times.

That is why it can be well with our souls.

“And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul…” -Horatio Spafford

~Rachel Joy

Saying goodbye

June 22, 2015June 22, 2015 ~ abidingtrust ~ Leave a comment

In my life, up to this point, I have not had to say goodbye an excessive amount. Sure, I have had to say goodbye to family, dear, sweet, loved family, and as a child we moved across the state but otherwise I have been pretty fortunate. However, lately, my heart has been broken and then repaired, cracked and glued together and seemingly smashed into a million pieces only to be picked up one by one and handed back to me. By the end of the month I will have shed tears, handed out hugs, prayed over and watched 9 people move onto new chapters in their lives. I feel like I have said goodbye more in the last 6 months than ever before in my life and not one single time is it any easier than before. In fact, if I may be honest, it only gets more difficult. I realize that God puts people in our lives for a purpose, for a time and for a season but sometimes I just would love to know the reasons why this happens, I feel like it would make my heart not break so deeply…. or maybe it would.

Last night, as I was praying with a dear friend and sister I struggled to find the words that my heart so deeply wanted to say. I recall, during this prayer, my soul crying out to God to help me find the words, to help me say the perfect thing, pray the perfect prayer that would dry the tears freely falling from both of our eyes and place permanent smiles so that there would be no more heart ache. I couldn’t. So I just prayed what I could.

I ache over the thought of having to say goodbye again. The raw honest truth is that I totally get this whole “for a season” thing but can I just say this, sometimes I just don’t like it. I want this season to be my whole life! But something stirred inside me this morning and I was left hearing this “Just because they are not physically here, doesn’t mean they aren’t there, in your heart.” Now, I understand that it’s not the same thing but at some point I have to begin to choose the joy in knowing that they will forever have perfect little cubbies in my heart designed just for them rather than sitting in the pain and frustration in saying goodbye.

As each of the disciples left for their journeys I can’t imagine that it was easy to say goodbye to them but it was what God had called them to! Some were sent because if they stayed they would be persecuted so God sent them to spare their lives. Others were sent by God because that’s where He wanted the gospel to be shared. Regardless, they were sent by God because He has a plan a million times greater and well thought out than ours. They trusted and so shall I.

It doesn’t’ remove the pain, in fact it doesn’t even mask it but what it does is help me deal with it. It reminds me that being sent, being called somewhere else, fulfilling God’s plan doesn’t mean that they are gone, it just means that memories and the love that I have for each of these precious humans is tucked away in the cubbies of my heart, forever inscribed with their names and the weight of the blessing that they have had on my life. And for that reason I can proudly say that the weight of saying goodbye is welcomed, for great weight is the product of great love.