sadness | Abiding Trust

In my life, up to this point, I have not had to say goodbye an excessive amount. Sure, I have had to say goodbye to family, dear, sweet, loved family, and as a child we moved across the state but otherwise I have been pretty fortunate. However, lately, my heart has been broken and then repaired, cracked and glued together and seemingly smashed into a million pieces only to be picked up one by one and handed back to me. By the end of the month I will have shed tears, handed out hugs, prayed over and watched 9 people move onto new chapters in their lives. I feel like I have said goodbye more in the last 6 months than ever before in my life and not one single time is it any easier than before. In fact, if I may be honest, it only gets more difficult. I realize that God puts people in our lives for a purpose, for a time and for a season but sometimes I just would love to know the reasons why this happens, I feel like it would make my heart not break so deeply…. or maybe it would.

Last night, as I was praying with a dear friend and sister I struggled to find the words that my heart so deeply wanted to say. I recall, during this prayer, my soul crying out to God to help me find the words, to help me say the perfect thing, pray the perfect prayer that would dry the tears freely falling from both of our eyes and place permanent smiles so that there would be no more heart ache. I couldn’t. So I just prayed what I could.

I ache over the thought of having to say goodbye again. The raw honest truth is that I totally get this whole “for a season” thing but can I just say this, sometimes I just don’t like it. I want this season to be my whole life! But something stirred inside me this morning and I was left hearing this “Just because they are not physically here, doesn’t mean they aren’t there, in your heart.” Now, I understand that it’s not the same thing but at some point I have to begin to choose the joy in knowing that they will forever have perfect little cubbies in my heart designed just for them rather than sitting in the pain and frustration in saying goodbye.

As each of the disciples left for their journeys I can’t imagine that it was easy to say goodbye to them but it was what God had called them to! Some were sent because if they stayed they would be persecuted so God sent them to spare their lives. Others were sent by God because that’s where He wanted the gospel to be shared. Regardless, they were sent by God because He has a plan a million times greater and well thought out than ours. They trusted and so shall I.

It doesn’t’ remove the pain, in fact it doesn’t even mask it but what it does is help me deal with it. It reminds me that being sent, being called somewhere else, fulfilling God’s plan doesn’t mean that they are gone, it just means that memories and the love that I have for each of these precious humans is tucked away in the cubbies of my heart, forever inscribed with their names and the weight of the blessing that they have had on my life. And for that reason I can proudly say that the weight of saying goodbye is welcomed, for great weight is the product of great love.

Standing in my office the other day I realized that I was very much in an uncomfortable emotional state. Honestly, it could have been the severe lack of sleep mixed with far too much caffeine in one day but regardless I found myself feeling just not quite right. I hope that I am not the only person who knows what the feeling is like but it was this strange mix of boredom, discomfort, slight increase in stress, sadness and anxiety. Now, before you go and tell me that I might need to seek medical (more than likely mental medical attention), remember my previous statement about sleeplessness and caffeine. As I was trying to process this in my mind I began to run down the list of what it might be that’s causing these feelings. Before I could complete thought #1 there was a rush of clarity that came over me. The choice is mine. No matter what it is that I am battling the choice is 100% up to me as to how I handle it.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. – Phil 4:6 NLT

I am not entirely sure when it happens but in life we seem to take the “big things” to Him and rely on prayer to get us through but in all reality when did it happen that we let it slip our minds to take all things before God and trust Him to take care of those too? Then Jesus said, “come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28 NLT

No matter how worn out I may be feeling it’s my choice to take my weary dry bones before God and hand over those burdens that I so earnestly think that I have to keep carrying on my own. When our souls attempt to carry the burden on our own for too long we get worn out. When we become worn out the enemy will use that as an opportunity to shoot those fiery darts to pierce our armor. The choice is mine to make and His burden to take. Who am I to withhold that blessing from myself.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. – 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

The choice is mine.